[Fmpro] My Favorite NDE

[Christopher Alpiar]

The last union gig I did in NYC, would have been in the mid to late 90s. 
It was a really tough year for me, I hadn't picked up a tour that year. 
If you have ever done the Jazz scene, you will know its about getting a 
tour each year in Europe and Japan and if you miss out on at least one 
solid tour then you are working 2 day gigs to pay the rent in a 250 
square foot (if you are lucky) hole in the wall and life starts to 
really bite down on you. Most cats tour for 6 months and then hang out 
in the city and spend all their cash while they play "real" music for 
peanuts. My best gig was a steady in Chelsea at the Angry Squire (23rd 
and w.7th ave) where I played with world class musicians. I had the 
fortune to have people like Joe Lovano, Michelle Petrucciani, Hiram 
Bullok, Ratzo Harris and folks of that caliber coming to sit in with me 
each week and for a 5 hour gig of sweaty up tempo bebop and modal jazz 
we got 30 bucks a man.

Anyhow, I was desperate, often playing in the subways and busking on the 
promenade in Brooklyn, sometimes to afford dinner that night. And I got 
a call from this guy who had said he heard me play at a jam session at 
the union office. They used to do weekly jam sessions there, which 
mostly sucked with has-beens or wanna-bees that really couldn't hang 
with a chorus of Bb Blues, much less some Giant Steps or Inner Urge or 
something real. But I still went to them religiously because they did 
have some heavy dudes that would come in. I met Reggie Workman there one 
night for instance, and that alone was worth a million lame jam sessions.

So this guy says he has a gig on St. Patrick's Day, and its union scale 
am I interested. Well letmethinkaboutithellyes was probably my reply. I 
asked him what kind of music we were playing and he said "Jazz 
standards" and I was like YEA baby! But there was a slight pause when he 
mentioned that we would be playing them to a disco beat...

I cringed at that moment, literally, but I needed the bread and hey it 
could lead to something real. Dig the shades on the cat, yea that's 
where it's at! But then he said well its just going to be a duo, you and 
me. I'll play keyboards and you play sax and we will have a nice little 
gig ok? Pfffff ok well it wasnt sounding like the John Coltrane Quartet 
anymore but sure how bad could it be? He let me know the details and 
gave me the address and let me know it was on Roosevelt Island.

I did not know this at the time, but traditionally Roosevelt Island is a 
small island off the coast of Manhattan that was reserved for a mental 
institution. It has since been split in two and the north half is the 
funny farm and the southern half is an old folks home, but very 
institution style.

I kind of realized this and that it was the old folks home that I was 
headed to as I got off the subway and approached. Relieved that at least 
it wasnt the mental institution my heart got warm and the thought of 
bringing some love and joy to some elderly New Yorkers and so I went in 
to the gig.

Inside it was a typical scene from a holiday at any old folks home. They 
were all eating corned beef and cabbage and were drinking light beer, 
probably the one drink of the year they get. I get out my tenor sax and 
put on a reed and I ask the guy what he wants to start with. In my mind 
I consider "Jazz standards" to mean tunes like A Train, On Green Dolphin 
Street, Stella By Starlight, maybe some bossa novas, if the band is good 
maybe a couple of Wayne Shorter tunes or some Horace Silver.

"Tea for Two"

I almost smacked my horn on his keyboard

"Ummmm mmmmkay, what key?"

"HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW????" and I hear 4 beat countoff.

The guy had an early kareoke machine, maybe Band In a Box, and couldnt 
play a note on the keyboard. He just mashed his hands on the keys like 
rib eye steaks at a meat packer. And the keyboard was turned off. He 
just clicked "start" and pretended to play.

OK Well I dont have perfect pitch but I managed to get through it all. 
At least it was simple stuff he wanted to torture me with.

We made it through the first set and I contemplated running out into the 
night and just forget the money. But the people were really enjoying it 
and for their sake I stayed on and played the 2nd set.

About 20 minutes into the set we started playing a tango. The very very 
typical cheese tango that everyone has heard in goofy over the top 
comedies or in cartoons maybe. I have no idea the name but I had heard 
it enough to get a passable version out of my horn. And then it happened.

A lady of about 85 or 90 began to strip. And the dance floor cleared a 
circle. And the old men started hooting and hollering "YEA MAMMA!" "TAKE 
IT OFF BABY" and the like. I didn't quite know what to think. And she 
just kept going and going and *really* getting into it. I had turned 
bright red and was trying SOO hard not to laugh and cry at the same time 
as play my horn. And then she was naked. I mean BUTT naked. And just 
getting down to our sad little stiff band in a box tango with guys all 
over her.

Somehow we finished the song, and as I was stepping back to the 
keyboards to catch my breath I nearly died there on the spot. For no 
reason other then alternate reality overload. And hey there wasn't even 
any Carlos Castenedas peyote involved.

Well I guess its not really a NDE but it should qualify as Honorary NDE 
at least!

Lol hope you enjoyed my story. Sorry it was kind of long